For most adults, teenagers are difficult to understand.
Why do they act the way they do?
Why is it that one minute they’re happy and the next they’re moody and withdrawn?
The typical answer to these questions is “hormones” – that teenagers are simply going through a lot of changes during puberty and they’ll eventually grow out of it. In the meantime, as adults there’s nothing we can really do, and we just have to deal with their mood swings and hope for the best.
Or do we – at the end of the day, it really comes down to two psychological needs that are driving 90% of their behaviour – the Power need and the Belonging need.
Today’s post looks at these.
The Power Need
The Power Need is something I regularly talk about in my CounterPunch™ workshops and programs. It refers to the need to feel in control, to feel a sense of agency and purpose.
Adolescents making the transition from being children dependent on their parents to becoming young adults, need to feel like they’re in control of their lives. This is why you’ll see them testing boundaries and pushing – they’re trying to find out where the lines are and how much power they have.
This can manifest in different ways depending on the teenager’s personality. For example, a shy teenager might start to take more risks and push themselves out of their comfort zone, while a more confident teenager might start to rebel against authority figures.
The important thing to remember is that all of this behaviour is coming from a place of wanting to feel in control. So as adults, our job is not to try to control them – that will only backfire – but to give them the support and space they need to feel like they’re in control of their own lives.
The Belonging Need
Another psychological need that drives teenage behaviour is the need for belonging. This is the need to feel connected to something larger than oneself. It’s the feeling of being part of a community, of feeling like you’re a valuable member of a team.
For teenagers, this manifests as a strong desire to fit in with their peers. They want to be accepted and respected by their peers, and they’ll go to great lengths to make sure that they are.
This can sometimes lead to teenage boys and girls becoming involved in risky behaviour in order to fit in with a certain group or to be accepted by them. It’s also why teenagers conform to peer pressure and the need to be like everyone else.
Again, as adults our job is not to try to control their behaviour, but to give them the support they need to feel like they belong. We can do this by helping them find positive role models and mentors, and by providing opportunities for them to get involved in activities that interest them.
These Psychological Needs Manifest In Either Healthy Or Unhealthy Ways
It’s important to remember that these psychological needs are not good or bad things. We all have them, and they’re essential for our wellbeing.
However, these needs can be met in either healthy or unhealthy ways. Allow me to elaborate…
Healthy VS Unhealthy Ways Of Meeting The Power Need
When the Power need is met in a healthy way, it leads to teenagers feeling like they’re in control of their lives and that they have agency and purpose. They feel like they can make a difference in the world.
When it’s met in an unhealthy way, it leads to teenagers feeling like they need to control everything and everyone around them – and often in destructive ways. They might start to manipulate and bully others, become withdrawn and isolate themselves from the world, engage in rebellious behaviour, break laws, or engage in substance abuse.
Healthy VS Unhealthy Ways Of Meeting The Belonging Need
When the Belonging need is met in a healthy way, it leads to teenagers feeling connected to others and like they’re part of a community. They feel valued and respected.
When it’s met in an unhealthy way, it leads to teenagers feeling like they need to be accepted by others at any cost. They might start to engage in risky behaviour or become overly reliant on the approval of others, even if it’s the wrong crowd.
So How Can We Help Teenagers?
The first step is to understand that all of their behaviour is coming from a place of wanting to meet these two psychological needs. Once we understand that, we can start to provide the support and guidance they need to meet these needs in healthy ways.
We can help them find positive role models and mentors, and provide opportunities for them to get involved in activities that interest them. We can also help them develop a sense of agency and purpose by encouraging them to volunteer, get involved in community projects, or start their own businesses.
But most importantly, we need to give them the space to figure out who they are and what they want in life. We need to trust that they have the strength and wisdom to make the right choices for themselves – even if those choices don’t always align with our own.
Consider Sending Your Teen To A CounterPunch Workshop
One of the best ways to help your teenager with all of this, is to enrol them in a CounterPunch™ Teen Workshop.
It’s a 20 to 24-week results-based program designed to help teenagers develop a sense of agency, purpose and belonging. It teaches teenagers practical tools to deal with the challenges of adolescence in healthy ways.
More importantly, it gives your teenager a safe space to learn all that they need to develop into well-adjusted young adults without infringing on their independence – a challenge that many parents can face when trying to teach their teens life lessons on their own.
If you’re interested, you can learn more about that here.
Summary
In summary, every teenager’s behaviour is driven by the need to meet two psychological needs: the need for power and the need for belonging.
These needs will always be expressed – either in a healthy or unhealthy way.
So the next time you see a teenager ‘act out,’ take a step back and think about which of these two needs isn’t being met, and how you as an adult might be able to help them do that in a healthier way.
If you do just that, you’ll be surprised at how much more patient and understanding you can be 🙂
Sláinte,
Merc